Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Silent Scream

I talked to myself, fiercely, more fiercely and more. Only my lips moved. My throat was free of the burden of sounds. But still I was hearing each and every word that I was shouting. My ears, I wondered, why are they not deafening on this sound? I was asserting and justifying myself.

It is only then one wants to prove his or her own identity, when that one feels oneself buried inside a common unity, which has no sense to sense that one and that one’s sensibility. This, I realized is the same case with me. I was unaware, if I am registering a silent protest against the unseen enemy who is curbing me from my right of a choice. Was there a choice before? I am not sure.

What I am talking about is, after a period of recent time, I felt my surroundings completely estranged from me. I felt like I was alienated somewhere in an unknown place. I am talking about the time after that. It was in these days that I thought of the choices in my life. I am not sure whether I had choices. But I had been sure of one thing; I was one I believed, living, in a place I wanted to be—in my university.

It was when I was stepping over to the second semester, that I felt the change in the circumstances. I found my life, as a practice of making sense out of senselessness. I was one among the unit, called my class. I am provided with choices, of course, but on the very moment I chose any, other than the choices of the unit, I would be out of the unit; that means out of the ‘class’. It seemed I am in a strange place. Classmates and friends seemed more strangers, than mere acquaintances. Teachers seemed to be authorities, carrying out the propaganda for the unit. I felt fatigue I had never endured before.

The socio-psychic interactions of this writing, until this line, seem to be a little incomplete or vague in its effect. This is because I haven’t narrated any thing from the life that I am having. It is simply pretentious! Let me explain. I felt or still feeling, during finishing this stuff and publishing it in my blog, embarrassed with my academic environment. More precisely, the interactions between the unit (the class), and the academic authority and the reactions, which each society, the class and the authority, conveys with each other is of ‘contentment’. Every one here, for me, seemed satisfied with everything happening around. I was the only one dissatisfied with what is happening in my life, and what is happening around me. ‘Contentment’, is something that I never had. I believe that it is something, which goes against your dream of getting hold on your dream. But I was forced to pretend contented, as part of the choice of the unit.

Other than the formal description of the issue, what I want to convey is that, I have a want. A want for the fulfillment of my dream; a dream, which never came in resonance with my human surroundings, but always conversed with the mother nature around me. I want to do something, which the others can’t do. I want to make my life fruitful.

But what this experience taught me, I think, is in your journey for your dreams; you will be with no body. Alone. But you will have the nature, the mother with you, who will be the ground for your path. Do not expect any one else. I can’t tell you 'why', simply because I don’t know. What I said is, just what I experienced.

4 comments:

Terri said...

I believe you will make your life friutful. Inch by inch it is a sinch by the yard it is very hard.
Start with each day and when you look back you will have large baskest and then barrels and ultimately...many warehouses full of your fruits.

ANULAL said...

oh, Terri, thank you so much for your words.

Terri said...

oopse that would be fruitful

ANULAL said...

no worries I understood. Have a nice time.

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